Samantha. J

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LifeAfterCancer

6 years on from my stem cell transplant

stem cell transplant

I wasn’t planning on writing or publishing a post today but as soon as I woke up I felt like I just needed to write something.

Today marks 6 years since my stem cell transplant. My immune system is officially 6 YEARS OLD. Up until a couple of days ago I hadn’t realised the date until I looked on my calendar and saw ‘6th re-birthday’ written down on the 2nd April. I hadn’t even thought of the significance of the date up until then, where as years ago I would have been counting down the days to it knowing what a huge day it was for me. It’s strange the farther away you get from treatment the less important the dates seem but honestly shouldn’t it be the opposite? I mean as the years go by the the less chance you have of relapsing. I guess I’m still trying to figure it out and I’m still very much learning how to cope even after all these years. I thought it would get easier which it does but the dates and anniversaries definitely bring back all the emotions.

Waking up this morning knowing that this time 6 years ago I was lying in a hospital bed feeling as weak as ever after the high dose chemo and wondering if the transplant would work and how the next few weeks would feel, I didn’t know what was in front of me, to be honest I don’t think I would have liked to have known but I remember waking up on that day, having my morning tablets and a quick wash and then sitting in my chair next to my bed while taking a panoramic photo of my room and thinking no matter how bad I was going to feel, I was going to beat it and I was going to come out the other side cancer free and I did and even though I did have some shaky moments where I just didn’t know if my body could handle it and I did have my down days but I just knew I wasn’t going to give up without giving it everything.

Going through something like a stem cell transplant really does give you a mental strength you can’t really explain to others from outside the cancer community. I think sometimes your mental strength really does outweigh your physical at the most important times. I honestly can’t believe it’s been 6 years. 6 years since my own little stem cells saved my life and I’m just so grateful the transplant worked.

As the years go by and the check-up’s become less often I always worry, it’s normal but for me now I’m not thinking about wether I’m going to relapse, I’m over that period. I’m more mad at how the chemo and transplant has left my body with the side effects it has and me having to deal with them daily, it’s something I haven’t learned to accept yet and that may not be healthy at all but I think it’s just going to take time. I don’t know when that will happen, probably not for a while yet but it’ll come.

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How I’m feeling about covid as a cancer survivor

covid

Covid and cancer. Two very different things but it’s weird how they both take me back to how I was feeling 6 years ago.

Going through something like cancer really helps when a global pandemic comes along because your forced to do what you’ve already done and that’s isolate. Isolate from the world just like you did when going through chemo, living in your own little bubble, staying away from people, only going out when necessary, wearing a mask, sanitising everything constantly. Everything they are recommending now. I’ve seen people on social media moan about how they just don’t think they are going to be able to stay at home for weeks and I get it, it’s boring as hell but I and many cancer patients did this for months and months even years. My advice: take it day by day and don’t get too overwhelmed. Stay positive and focused. Attitude plays a massive part. Focus on food, sleep, exercise, get outdoors when you can, it’ll make such a difference.

I should have got used to coping with covid by now, it’s been around for a good while but to be honest I still can’t get my head around it and don’t think I will. It’s not something I thought I would see in my lifetime. It’s like you’re in a bubble with no way of getting out, well that’s how I feel about it right now living in the uk.

It’s hard knowing after going through all the years of chemo, and a stem cell transplant that something like a virus could kill me, but it’s not JUST a virus. It’s not easy trying to get over that thought. I mean it’s not like I think about it daily but there’s always reminders. I’ve now got used to not sleeping at night because of fear and anxiety and waking up in the middle of the night emotionally drained. Sometimes there are nights like that and I have accepted that but others I can sleep right through and get a good 10 hours.

covid

As I’m so far out of treatment now I’m only classed as clinically vulnerable and not extremely which was a little upsetting when I first found out from my consultant. I mean its not like I want to be classed as extremely vulnerable but knowing I wouldn’t be able shield from last March was really scary, even after taking all the precautions I can. Right now, I am on furlough as the company I work for is classed as non-essesntial and thankfully gave me a choice but I know others aren’t so fortunate and I feel so grateful that I can now shield at home for the foreseeable.

I didn’t think when I was lying in my hospital bed 6 years ago that now I would be fearing for my health once again. Fearing if I did catch covid would my body be able to handle it. I don’t want to think that I wouldn’t be able to handle covid but I know my body and my health has taken a battering over the past few years although saying that I am SO grateful for my health as I know there are others going through a lot worse.

It’s not easy living as a cancer survivor during a global pandemic, the feelings that it brings back and the memories that I would like to forget about and the late nights not being able to sleep but I am coping as well as I can. I know a lot of people are finding this lockdown harder than the others mental health wise and I can totally relate but this won’t last forever even if right now it feels like it will.

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There’s no right way to feel after finishing cancer treatment

Cancer Treatment

Once you hear that word ‘cancer’, you’re never going to be the same. The struggle of being a cancer survivor is real. It’s scary and lonely but remember there’s no right way to feel post cancer treatment. Your feelings are valid.

After I finished my treatment, I had so many emotions. I didn’t know what to think or where to turn. I mean the relief that I was done with treatment was very overwhelming and it didn’t feel real that I wouldn’t have to get up and go to the hospital every couple of days for a blood test or chemo. My emotions were mostly positive for a good few days, I mean I’d just been through the fight of my life and come out the other end, I don’t think you can really describe that feeling but on the other hand I had this cloud over me that I couldn’t shake. The end of treatment is such a big milestone and you may want to celebrate but it’s okay if you don’t feel like you want to. Your feelings matter.

The shock of what I’d been through didn’t hit me until I went home after a few weeks of recovery. I was alone with my thoughts most days, it was draining. All my thoughts had started to catch up with me. Everything that I had been through basically hit me at once and I realised. All these feelings I’d bottled up over the past couple of years just exploded and I really did hit rock bottom. I didn’t want speak to anyone. I hid myself in my room crying. I didn’t know what I was feeing, I just knew I was feeling down and I didn’t actually know how depressed I was at this point.

I was scared, angry, worried. I didn’t know a life without the hospital, blood tests and biopsies. I was lost. My feelings changed so quickly in the space of just a few days/weeks. There are still times now when I still break down and cry for no reason and that’s okay and I’m taking life day by day.

Cancer Treatment

I struggled for a long time and didn’t want to accept I was feeling down and depressed. I tried to get on with life for my family but deep down I knew I was struggling but I didn’t want them worrying anymore about me which is why I think I struggled even more because I kept it to myself. If I’d have been honest with myself I think the past few years would have been a lot easier.

I think getting back into normal life and trying to integrate back into normal conversations was a massive thing for me to adjust to. The hospital felt like the only world I knew. Hospital care and being in bed most of the time had been my routine for so long that I really struggled to process coming out of it. The support structures fell away faster than I imagined they would.

It’ll be 5 years next month since my consultant told me there was no more cancer left in my body and I was in remission and even through I’ve come a hell of a long way since then I still struggle and I know I will for years to come but remember there’s no “correct” way to experience cancer and your feelings are valid and recovery is a gradual process.

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AD | The hidden costs of a cancer diagnosis

This post is in collaboration with Insurancewith.

No-one expects to be given a cancer diagnosis. The chemotherapy, surgery, sickness, countless hospital stays aren’t the only thing you have to deal with, there’s physically & mentally a lot more that goes on behind the scenes. During my own battle with Hodgkin’s lymphoma there were a lot of hidden costs I had absolutely no clue about, some personal and others more financial, it wasn’t easy as well as battling for my life I had to deal with all the uncertainty of everything else.

Once I was diagnosed I was also given the news that I had lost my job as they had gone into administration so the financial impact started straight away, I had no income coming in and actually had to dip into my savings now and then to keep on top of everything which obviously wasn’t ideal. Most of the hidden costs were financial like you would expect but more personal things like losing friendships were a big part of my cancer diagnosis.

hidden costs of a cancer diagnosis

Travel and Insurance

One of the biggest things for me was travelling and holidays. It was one thing throughout my cancer fight that kept me going. Knowing that once all my treatment was over I could go somewhere new and explore but it wasn’t that easy, cancer takes a lot from you including your ability to be well enough to be able to fly. Being diagnosed with a long term illness like cancer and being pumped full of drugs, feeling so weak you need something to look forward to and for me it’s always a holiday, it’s that feeling of stepping off a plane and having the heat hit you, you just can beat it.

When I was going through my first lot of treatment about halfway through we decided to book a holiday abroad for when I knew I would be finished with treatment so I had something to look forward to, I remember I kept looking at the hotel on Trip Advisor on my bad days knowing I would be there soon. The only thing I knew that was going to be a problem was insurance..

hidden costs of a cancer diagnosis

I spent hours looking online for different companies for holiday insurance, filling in my details over and over to get a quote but they were all coming up with stupid premiums, some more than the actual holiday which was in the thousands. Being turned down for insurance is something I didn’t think would happen in my 20’s. I felt pretty down about the whole situation and I just remember thinking we were going to have to cancel the holiday if I couldn’t find insurance.

Thankfully I came across Insurancewith while looking on a couple of cancer sites and I just knew from the moment I saw their website I was going to be able to get cover. The quote process was simple and the questions were more suited to me, nothing like the others I had been trying. They just seemed to understand what I needed from an insurance policy as a cancer patient. I felt so comfortable and safe having my insurance policy from them because it just seemed a lot more personal. Insurancewith made it super simple and the quote premium was a lot more affordable which meant a holiday in Egypt could happen which after my treatment was very much needed even though I got very badly sunburnt, oops.

Insurance is something as a cancer patient/survivor can be so overwhelming and stressful and can sometimes take away the fun of the holiday but Insurancewith make it super easy. Cancer shouldn’t stop you from travelling.

hidden costs of a cancer diagnosis
hidden costs of a cancer diagnosis

Friendships

You lose friends following a cancer diagnosis if you didn’t know, something I thought would never happen. When you start your treatment everyone is very much behind you and honestly can’t do enough, well in my experience anyway but as time goes on you start to lose a few friendships that you may have had for just a few months or even years, it may be that they can’t handle it so they become distant. It’s sad to lose friends at a time when so much else is falling apart in your life but on the flip side, cancer often brings new friends into your life and I can very much vouch for that as I now have so many amazing friends from all over the world who support me and if it wasn’t for cancer I wouldn’t have met them.

I had a close friend who I knew for a good few years and one day they stopped replying to my texts & calls and straight up blocked me on all forms of social media. To this day I have no idea why. I understand that life can get busy and I really don’t expect that much off someone but I’ll never understand why someone will let a cancer diagnosis tarnish a good friendship. You don’t want friends that will just drop off the radar when things get tough and then reappear when things are good again, it just doesn’t work like that.

Wigs

Losing your hair after going through chemotherapy can take a massive toll on your self-image. I felt so uncomfortable going outside during my treatment without a wig or some kind of head scarf. Looking back now I wish I could have embraced my bald head but at the time I couldn’t do it but that’s where wigs come in, they help you feel more like yourself and it’s like you’ve got your safety blanket back, for me it felt like that anyway.

The cost of wigs cant be super expensive, especially a real hair one but there are other options. On the NHS you can actually get a synthetic one for free but they only usually last 6-9 months and actually are quite uncomfortable to wear but because I went through my treatment in some of the colder months I tended to wear a beanie over mine and it definitely helped me feel more confident as I always feel like you can tell a synthetic wig to a real one, they are always more shiny (pro tip: Use dry shampoo to make the hair more dull). You can get real hair wigs which have come from people donating their own hair for cancer patients but they can cost up to £2,000 which is a massive cost for someone undergoing treatment.

I think for me it was a confidence thing as cancer does take a lot from you and your hair is a massive thing to lose but not only did I lose mine once, I lost mine twice because I relapsed and even though I was more prepared the second time nothing compares to losing your hair to cancer and the feeling of having your hair shaved off is something I will never be able to forget.

hidden costs of a cancer diagnosis

Transport and fuel costs

Travelling to different hospitals every few days for tests can become very expensive because of the fuel you use and of course the car parking charges but don’t get me started on those.

As I relapsed not too long after my first lot of treatment I didn’t exactly have a choice of what hospitals I could go to as there were only certain ones where I could have the treatment, thankfully one of the hospitals was only a 15 minute drive from home but the parking was horrific, you could drive around for a good hour and still not find a space and the other one was a good hour and a half drive. I was an inpatient for about a month and my family took turns everyday to come and see me and as you can imagine the fuel costs would have been a lot. Some people aren’t as lucky as me though and spend a lot of their time driving to and from hospitals way further than an hour and a half so you can imagine all the costs from parking to fuel.

I felt so gulitly for asking my family to come and visit knowing they would have to pay a lot and to be honest I think it’s wrong you have to pay out so much when you are literally fighting for your life but there’s nothing you can do, you need the treatment.

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hidden costs of a cancer diagnosis

Let’s talk about post chemo hair growth

This post contains PR samples but all thoughts are my own.

I lost my hair during my battle with Hodgkin’s lymphoma. I didn’t just lose it once though, because I relapsed I lost it twice. The first time I shaved my head just after finishing chemo for six months, I tried to keep it for as long as possible as my hair was very thick but I knew when the time was right and then the second time was about a week after I was told the cancer had come back, the chemo I had was a lot more intense so I lost it way quicker than the first time.

Chemo hair

I’ve always had long thick hair and when I saw it coming out in clumps and strands in the shower I was devastated. Not only was I losing my hair but my eyebrows and eyelashes as well. I wore a few wigs while my hair was growing back and I felt like me again and I had my little security blanket back but ultimately wearing wigs really didn’t help my hair grow. It’s now been about 3 and a half years since I finished treatment and my hair is BACK and long again. I’ve had a few trims and some colour put in and I’m obsessed with it now even though I do need to get it cut again real soon.

My plan is to keep growing and keep it as healthy as possible then I would love to be able to donate it to the Little Princess Trust. To all of you at the awkward stage of hair growth, it does get better and eventually your hair is going to look amazing, just be patient although if you want to do as much as you can to get your hair to grow I’ve got a few tips that may help it along.

Vitamins and hair volume supplements.

I left it about 3/4 months after finishing chemo before I started taking vitamin A, D & C. A couple of people recommended these tablets as they help recover your hair and they are also really good for you which is a bonus.

Oh & I have recently been trying out some hair volume gummies from New Nordic. They are an apple flavoured chewable that includes biotin and zinc. Thankfully they look and taste like a sweet so it doesn’t feel like your taking a vitamin. Biotin seems to have become one vitamin in everything hair related recently so that’s got to be a good sign. The gummies supply nutrients to the scalp and hair follicles where the hair is formed.

As I said before I’m trying to grow it as much as I can then I’ll able to donate so anything to help my hair grow and keep healthy I’m all for. I’ve been really impressed with these for the last few weeks, my hair seems to be more healthy and manageable and I have also seen a little growth which is amazing, I’m very excited to keep using these to see more results.

If you are still in treatment or just recovering then definitely talk to your consultant before taking any supplements.

Chemo hair
Don’t over wash your hair.

I know it’s a little strange but making sure not to over wash your hair is important. Washing it as little as possible, 2 to 3 times a week is the best. Oh and dry shampoo will be your best friend..

Fast shampoo & conditioner.

Again, I got this recommend to me by a couple of other people who had just finished treatment and they said how amazing this shampoo and conditioner was and I was really intrigued so I decided it was worth buying and I am SO glad I decided to purchase even though it was around £30 which obviously isn’t cheap for shampoo and conditioner. My hair grew at such a rate and wether it was down to using these or just a number of things but I’m pretty sure this made a big difference.

Trim your new hair.

I remember when my hair first started coming back, I didn’t want to cut it because I was way too nervous for anyone to touch it, I just wanted it to grow but I did eventually get a trim because it was starting to resemble a mullet and no-one wants to see that. The best thing you can do is go for regular trims by cutting off the split ends. It’ll make it look so much tidier and you will feel so much better for it.

Chemo hair
Oils are your best friend.

Every few days I would massage my head with oils, mainly castor oil because you can also use this on your eyebrows and eyelashes as well and it worked a treat. It increases the movement of blood to your scalp so helps stimulate growth. It also leaves your head feeling very soft!

Avoid straighteners.

It may be hard when you notice your hair getting longer and you want to try to straighten or curl but DON’T. You want to try and not damage it too early. My hair came back really wavy and I was so tempted to buy some of those tiny straighteners but I resisted and it was one of the best things I did. You really don’t want to use any harsh products on your hair until it’s grown to a point you are really happy with.

Some stages of hair growth can be very frustrating. Through some of the awkward stages I got to a point where I wanted to shave it all off and start again. It’ll take a long while for your hair to get where you want it to be but just be patient, it WILL get there.

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Life update: I’m struggling

I didn’t think I’d be writing this but at the moment I’m struggling. I didn’t think life after cancer would be this hard. I didn’t suffer with a mental illness before cancer but now I live with one every single day. I don’t really know where this blog post will be taken, I’ll probably just ramble on with everything I’m struggling with right now..

For the last couple of months I’ve not felt right as I have just felt so overwhelmed with everything that’s happening in my life right now and it’s not okay, I’ve not been taking time out for myself as I’ve just been too busy and my mental health had suffered massively.

On Saturday 30th June I celebrated being 3 years cancer free, unfortunately I was working that day but I went out on following Tuesday with my family to Trentham Estate in Stoke which is well worth a visit! (The photo’s in this post were took on that day). It was such a lovely day which I really enjoyed. I took my camera out and I couldn’t stop taking photo’s of the beautiful flowers and landscape.

Life update

On Wednesday last week I had my 6 monthly check up and I honestly wasn’t too bothered about going, I’m normally shaking and nervous before but I wasn’t. I went in for my blood test then went into see my consultant although not my normal one as she’s on maternity leave but after him checking my blood results and then checking my neck and underarms for any lumps it’s was all fine.

I was so relieved to hear everything was still good. I don’t have anymore hospital appointments booked for this year although this might change but for now I won’t have to step foot in another hospital until next year and this makes me very happy.

On Thursday last week I broke down over one stupid thing but it had obviously been coming for a while but that one thing pushed me over the edge. I started crying that day and I didn’t want to stop, I even wanted to self harm. I had to stop those thoughts though because we were visiting family a couple of hours later, I went but everything they were saying went in one ear and out the other. I didn’t want to be there, I just wanted to be at home in bed crying my eyes out.

Why am I struggling?

Do you know when I said I’d got the running bug after finishing the Great Birmingham 10K that I ran on the 2nd April.. Well I haven’t been to the gym or gone for a run since then, I feel like such a failure letting all the hard work I put in go to waste and now I can’t seem to push myself to get back to it.

With the weather we are having right now in the UK it’s seems like the perfect time to start back but I can’t seem to take that one step out the door to start. Anxiety won’t let me. Exercise helps my mental health a lot so I have just got to push myself past this mental barrier and just go for it. 

I don’t know wether I’ve actually shared this on here but I’m now officially self employed with my blog as well as still working in retail. After all the stress I’m so happy I’ve made such a massive step.

I lot of people have asked me quite a few questions about going self employed so I’m in the process of writing a massive guide about it all. I think I got so annoyed about all the information that I had to fill in online as I didn’t have a clue what I was doing that I stressed myself out about it a lot and wasn’t sleeping because of it so I really hope my guide is going to be helpful if you are thinking about going self employed! Now I can’t wait to find more opportunities for my blog and grow it to where I want it to be.

Most of my family know about my blog which I don’t mind at all. My mom is amazing and gets that I have spend time writing posts, taking photo’s and replying to emails etc. Oh and when we were at Trentham Gardens she found a bench and said to me “Sam, will you take a photo of me on the bench looking away like you do” I honestly couldn’t stop laughing. My mom is probably the only person in my life who GET’S IT apart from other bloggers, obviously.

I thought my sister would be supportive but she isn’t, she thinks I’m lazy for being on my phone and laptop most of the time but I’m actually working. It’s hard to keep positive when you live with someone so negative and now I’ve gone self employed with my blog it’s something that gets me down. I would love to take my blog full time at some point in the future but it scares me.

Life update

Another thing which I think I’ve mentioned on here before is about having children. Now that I’m getting older I think about it a lot more, probably everyday and seeing my friends announcing they are pregnant and having children kills me a little inside.

My cousin and his girlfriend recently had a baby and I went to her baby shower, I kept thinking while I was there will I ever have a baby shower? Will I ever be able to buy cute little baby clothes for my own baby?. I love seeing my family and friends having babies don’t get me wrong but I have a little breakdown every time. I cry my eyes out not knowing what will happen when I come to have my own and wether I’ll even be able to carry a baby and have my own little bump. This is something I’m really struggling with right now.

As a cancer survivor and after having a stem cell transplant tiredness is a massive thing for me. I’m exhausted every single day, I don’t feel like I have loads of energy. I basically just have the energy I need to get through the day and most days I will have a nap. I saw a quote on Facebook the other day which is SO true.

“Don’t invalidate people’s struggles because you’ve been through worse. If someone is tired after working for 5 hours and you worked for 7, it doesn’t mean that they’re not allowed to be tired. It doesn’t mean they can’t feel what they’re feeling just because you’ve had it worse”.

I’m so over people trying to compete with who is more tired. I hate when I walk into work and might bring up in a conversation that I’m tired and then someone comments but you’ve only just got here. I’m sorry, but you don’t know my life and my struggles. I’m honestly so over it.

There is a couple of other things in my life which I’m not happy with but don’t feel like sharing on here right now although these are adding to why I’m struggling right now as well. This post may seem like a really long moan but I felt like I needed to write everything down somewhere to get it out of my head. I’m hoping I can find some sort of balance to my life soon and hopefully become a little happier.

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My experience of running the Great Birmingham 10K

Running

OMG. I can now officially say I have completed a 10K something which I never would have thought I would be able to do but I am so so proud of myself. I can’t believe around 3 years ago I was in the middle of having drugs pumped into me through a central line in my chest because my cancer had come back, I didn’t know how I would react to the drugs but they ultimately saved my life.

While I was lying in hospital I dreamt about running a 10k to give something back to one of the charities that helped me through my treatment and continue to do so today. Running the Great Birmingham 10K was by far one of my biggest challenges I have ever done but it’s also the most rewarding.

Before the 10K

I wrote a post about why I decided to sign up to run a 10K but if you want the short answer it’s basically because I wanted to raise money for Blood Cancer UK, a charity very close to my heart and challenge myself. Before the day and a few weeks before the nerves really started to kick and some self-doubt as to whether I could actually run a 10k.

I’ve never ran further than a 5k but that was with a lot of walking too so I was worried with how my body was going to handle to shock of me trying to run so far. I had set myself a goal time of 1 hour and 10 minutes but it was honestly only for motivation, I hadn’t planned to get round in a certain time because I literally just wanted to get round but with setting myself a time I pushed myself further than I would so I’m kind of glad I had a goal to aim for.

The week before I tried to go on as many training runs as possible and by the end of those weeks my calf and hamstring muscles were screaming at me to stop, I hadn’t run that much in my life and my body hated me for it.

 The day before I felt so sick and incredibly nervous, more nervous than when I had to get results from any test that I have ever had and that’s saying something. I felt like crying my eyes out because I didn’t know whether I had done enough training. I didn’t know whether I was ready to run that far and how my body was gong to handle the distance. Although I was nervous I obviously had to carb load the day before so all I did was relax and eat pasta all day..

Running

On the day

I woke up still feeling incredibly nervous, tired as I hadn’t got much sleep but a little excited although when I looked at the weather forecast I freaked out a bit, 21 degrees. It was going to be warm and I had never trained in that heat before. Typical, we had to have a heat wave on the day when I was running a 10K.

For breakfast I just had a cup of tea and then a banana about an hour after. I was running with my auntie, we had been training together so we knew at what pace we needed to run at to make it to our goal time. We got into Birmingham a little early but we had chance to take in the atmosphere and get ready. Around 8,000 people were taking on the course so of course there was massive queues for the toilet but after that we were ready so we made out way to the green wave start point. There were 7 waves of different music genres and we were in the 90’s green wave. I just want to say here though that the organisation of the event was amazing.

The green wave was due to set off at 11:15, we saw the waves before us all set off while we were having a warm up then it was our turn, we all started shuffling down then the gun went off and we started and at that moment it hit me, I had tears in my eyes thinking about when I was lying in hospital being sick because of all the harsh treatments and dreaming of this moment but there wasn’t time for tears I had a 10K to run!

I didn’t properly start running until I crossed the start line as everyone was too bunched up but then everyone started to split up and as we passed the Bullring the crowds were unreal and so supportive. I had a huge smile on my face but knew it was going to be hard work as the sun was beaming down, It felt like 30 degrees not 21.

Around the course there were flags to let you know once you had reached a certain kilometre. Now this isn’t an exaggeration but running to the first 1k felt never-ending.  During the first few kilometres we had to pass runners coming the other way and I just wanted to shout I wish I was you haha. Getting to around 3k I was feeling okay but very hot and it didn’t help that my water bottle wouldn’t open so I could drink some water (I did manage to drink some though). The atmosphere had gone a bit quiet at this point as we were running by some industrial units but it wasn’t long until we reached the 5k mark. Officially halfway!

As we reached the 5K mark I was struggling, some doubts were creeping in and I didn’t feel well, I felt dizzy so this wasn’t going how I planned. I grabbed some water from the water station and walked a little. I just couldn’t catch my breath and my breathing technique was all over the place. Around 6k we had reached a big tent with showers in which I couldn’t have been happier to see. We were now running in between a lot of houses so the support was coming back and I was so thankful, I needed it. People were amazing handing out juice and water. Some people had even got out their hose pipes to splash us with water haha. At this point a lot of people were struggling including me with running so walking was inevitable.

Reaching the 7k mark I felt much better and in good spirits, I don’t know what happened between 6 & 7k but my body and mind just clicked. I felt a sense of achievement reaching 7k as I hadn’t run that far before and that definitely helped me with motivation to reach the finish. 

I had passed 8k and was now on the road to the finish, we passed the 9k mark and threw our water bottles away as we didn’t need them anymore and I suddenly found a burst of energy unfortunately the course to the finish included hills, not massive ones but when you’ve already ran 8k it’s something you really don’t want to see. At this point I had to walk up the hills as I wanted to leave some energy for the last run to the finish but as soon as we had passed the hills the support was incredible. A lady noticed my name on my vest and shouted “go on Samantha you’re nearly there” As we approached the finish line I knew my family were waiting for us but as the crowds were large I was struggling to notice them, fortunately I noticed them just before the finish line as my sister shouted “Go Sam” and held up a poster.

As me and my auntie neared the line we held hands and put them up in the air. I had FINISHED and COMPLETED the Great Birmingham 10K. I am so proud to say I finished with a time of 1:15:17. Okay, I didn’t hit my target time of 1 hour and 10 minutes but it honestly wasn’t about the time and in 21 degree heat I am honestly so happy. On the way back home I couldn’t stop looking at my medal, I just couldn’t believe it. 

Would I do it again? Um, YES. Even though it was one of the toughest things I have ever done, I actually really enjoyed it and the atmosphere was incredible. I genuinely believe I have made a massive step physically and mentally, I now know that whatever I put my mind to, I can do it and there isn’t a limit. London Marathon.. I’m coming for you!

Running

Now what?

I have now got the running bug and have already looked at races to sign up to this year, I wouldn’t have ever thought I would have said this because I’m not the type of person to enjoy exercise but I have kind of fell in love with running these past few months even though it’s been hard and at some points I had my days when I didn’t want to go out for a run because I was super tired and just wanted to curl up in bed I didn’t I got out there and pushed myself to go for a run. I have so many plans to do a lot more to raise money for different Charites who helped my during my cancer treatment including Clic Sargent & Teenage Cancer Trust.

I’ll be back in Birmingham next year to run the Great Birmingham 10K again and I can’t wait. Hopefully not in 21 degree heat though!

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Let’s have a catch up..

I haven’t written a personal post for a while now so I thought I’d sit down and have a little catch up you all. I’m currently lying on the sofa under a massive throw which is the SOFTEST throw ever and it’s from Primark, go and get yourself one, you won’t regret it (you’re welcome).

I’m pretty sure I’ve got the flu, if it’s not the flu I don’t know what it is because I have ALL the symptoms.. I’ve felt ill since Friday morning and had a high temperature, ugh. All I’ve done is lie in bed or the sofa because every time I get up I feel like I’m going to faint so that’s great. I wish I had a normal immune system because this is the 2nd time in 3 weeks I’ve had to take time off work because of illness and I hate having to call in and let them down, I feel so bad about it but I know I can’t go in ill. It just sucks but I’m dosing myself up with all the medicine and hopefully I’ll be better soon anyway I don’t want to bore you with how ill I am right now because you get a lot of moaning from me on my twitter account..

Catch up

If you didn’t know I finally got a job after my cancer treatment and I’ve been working in retail for about 5 months now but it honestly seems like I’ve been there so much longer. I’m enjoying it although it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I mean I love the people I work with, they are all really lovely and I think that’s one of the most important things is to get on well with your co-workers.

My ultimate dream job would be in a cancer charity and I know I’m an ambassador for Blood Cancer UK which I absolutely LOVE doing. It’s so great to be involved with the blood cancer community and It’s amazing to know I’m helping on projects to help support patients but one day I’d love to be working full time at a cancer organisation. Someday I hope I can make that jump. I was also invited by Blood Cancer UK to help at a couple of events not too long ago but again I was too ill to go, I was so sad I couldn’t go and help, I know there will be lots more events to help out at but I was just so annoyed at myself even though I couldn’t help being sick. 

Last week I had booked a week off from work as well as my mom and sister because my birthday was on the 17th October so we all just decided to book the week off and try to be productive haha. Most of the week we spent shopping to be honest so wasn’t exactly productive but I had such a lovely day for my Birthday as we decided to go to Manchester for the day and I was super excited although my mom wasn’t too happy with the £18 parking charge.. YES £18.

We spent most of the day shopping and I actually only brought 2 bath bombs from Lush and some tee tree stuff from The Body Shop, I literally didn’t see much else around the shops which I was surprised with to be honest. We did go and have a little explore and saw the cutest little details ready for Halloween also seeing all the I ♥️ MCR signs throughout the city was so emotional. I’ve only been to Manchester twice but it’s becoming one of my favourite cities and I can’t wait to go back. 

On the Wednesday I had a check up at the hospital and I woke up feeling physically sick. The anxiety before any kind of check up is horrible and a part of me will forever fear it. After having 5 files of blood taken I went to see my consultant she normally just asks how I’m feeling and wether I’ve had any symptoms etc and tells me my blood results which were all good (YAY) then I have a physical check up where she feels for lumps in my neck and under my armpits, then she feels my tummy and listens to my breathing all that seemed fine.

It was honestly the BEST birthday present I could have asked for. 2 years & 4 months in REMISSION. I’m getting closer to that magical 5 year mark and I couldn’t be happier with how far I’ve come since finishing treatment. 

Oh, update on the gym.. I haven’t been for months. Ooopppssss. I kinda just wanted to get into my job but then I always kept putting off going because I was super tired after my shift but now I’ve got used to everything I am determinded to get back soon as I need to start training for a 10K which I’m planning to do next year. I’ll tell you more about this when I actually sign up. 

On the blog front I’m pretty happy with everything at the moment although I feel a little out of the blogging community but that’s probably just my fault as I really need to make more of an effort with commenting and interacting which I’m so bad at right now so please leave me your latest posts below as I would love to have a read.

I’m also REALLY trying to up my content and photography game. I kinda like to keep my photo’s simple and white but then I see other bloggers with amazing photo’s and I’m like HOW. I know I shouldn’t be comparing myself to others but it’s hard not to. I also signed up to Influenster a couple of months ago and although I haven’t received a VoxBox yet I’m actually really enjoying going onto the app and interacting and writing reviews on there. I was shortlisted for a box about a month back but never got it. I was a little disappointed, not going to lie. I also did have a little think about doing Blogmas but I didn’t want to put that sort of stress on myself so I will be posting in December but not every day. 

I don’t have much else going on in my life right now, it’s pretty boring haha. I hope you guys are well and enjoyed reading this little life update.

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Things you shouldn’t say to a cancer patient

When someone close to you, a friend or even just an acquaintance is diagnosed with cancer it can be hard to know what to say. You want to say the right thing, but what if it comes out wrong? You want to be there for them, but how? If you’re supporting someone with cancer but you are stuck for words, sometimes admitting, “I don’t know what to say” can be the best way forward.

Cancer

When I was diagnosed back in 2014 most people didn’t know what to say or just said the wrong thing. Hopefully if you know someone going through treatment right now then this will help. So here’s a list of things you shouldn’t say to a cancer patient..

“THINGS WILL GET BETTER”

Okay. This was probably one of the worst things that was said to me. I know things will get better but right now I’m losing my hair, being pumped full of drugs and really don’t want to hear it. I’m just trying to fight for my life..

“HAVE YOU TRIED ALTERNATIVE TREATMENTS”

The MOST annoying thing ever. People asking if you have thought about alternative treatments or natural remedies. Just NO. When you are going through cancer you don’t want to hear about vitamins and oils that could cure cancer.

“YOU DON’T LOOK SICK”

Another personal favourite. A lot of people don’t “look” like they have cancer but just because you can’t see the side effects of the cancer or treatment doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

“HOW ARE YOU FEELING?”

It’s a perfectly fine question but when asked every hour or so it can get annoying. I know people can mean well but I’m not going to be feeling good for at last six months.

“I FEEL SICK TOO”

Please don’t complain about how sick you are to me. I’m so sorry that you have a cold, or are struggling with being tired. Really, I am.

“I HOPE THIS IS OVER FOR YOU SOON”

Yes, someone actually said this to me. Cancer will stay with me for the rest of my life so no it won’t be over for me soon..

“YOU HAVE THE GOOD KIND OF CANCER”

First things first there is NO good cancer. Nobody enjoys being poisoned every week and losing clumps of hair every time you wake up. Also if you didn’t know chemo and radiation give you a higher chance of developing a secondary cancer.

“I KNOW SOMEONE WHO DIED OF THAT”

Another no, no. Please don’t share a cancer story with a bad outcome. It’s probably the last thing a person going through treatment wants to hear. 

“BE POSITIVE” 

Thanks for the support but sometimes you can’t just be positive all the time. It doesn’t exactly help so just don’t. 

“SO, YOU’RE ALL BETTER NOW, RIGHT?”

Honestly this one for me was the WORST. People often don’t realise you are left with so many long term side effects of cancer. After I finished treatment I was left depressed, scarred and tired and I still am even more than 2 years post. Even though life appears to be returning to normal it never will be ‘normal’ again.  

“I THOUGHT CHEMO WAS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU LOSE WEIGHT”

Nope. I was on steroids so I was eating like 5 times a day and put on about a stone although I needed too because I had lost so much weight before I was diagnosed. 

“JUST BE GRATEFUL YOU DON’T HAVE (INSERT ANOTHER FORM OF) CANCER”

Comparing cancers is not helpful so just don’t say it. No matter what type of cancer you have and no matter the stage, it’s a life-altering diagnosis. 

“IF THERE’S ANYTHING I CAN DO, JUST LET ME KNOW”

Okay, so this is kind but it’s not so great because then I have to figure out what I can say and then having the burden to ask. I don’t want to make you go out of your way to help. I also hate making decisions..  

“WE DIDN’T ASK YOU TO COME BECAUSE WE DIDN’T THINK YOU WOULD BE UP FOR IT”

So I get why people would say this and honestly most days I was just in bed recovering from treatment but it would be nice to just be asked. Cancer can make you feel so lonely. 

“WILL YOU LOSE YOUR HAIR”

Ermm. Yes but I kinda don’t want to talk about it. It’s a massive thing for a woman to lose their hair and go bald. Well to me it was anyway..

“OH, I’M SO SORRY. I WISH I COULD TAKE IT AWAY”

Thanks.. 

“I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL”

Unless you’ve been through cancer no you don’t know how I’m feeling. You have literally no idea. 

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Blood Cancer UK (Formerly Bloodwise) event: My day at Impact Midlands 

As of Tuesday 2nd April 2020 Bloodwise officially rebranded to Blood Cancer UK.

I had planned to write this much earlier than now but I have a good excuse.. I started a new job and it’s been so overwhelming, I have been more exhausted than normal and I usually just sleep and chill once I get back from work although hopefully once I get into more of a routine I should okay. I had been off work ever since I was diagnosed with cancer in January 2014 and been alone most of the time post treatment has made it so much harder, also anxiety and depression literally took over my life so I found it hard. Harder than I thought it would be. 

Impact Midlands

To be honest I do wish I could have written this earlier as now I’m struggling to remember what happened but I hope you enjoy reading! On Saturday 20th May I attended Impact Midlands. Blood Cancer UK are holding 5 Impact days around the UK this year. They are in London & South East, Scotland, Wales & South West, North and the Midlands! It was a chance to hear from leading researchers, health professionals, and inspirational people whose lives have been affected by blood cancer. I was so excited to be at the Birmingham one and help out as an ambassador.

Impact Midlands

The Birmingham Impact day was being held at Birmingham University and I brought my mom and sister along with me for support. We got to Staff House about 9am and I met Emma and Louise from the Birmingham office. I was earlier enough to help out with putting up banners etc. I then was greeting guests as they arrived with Andy and Lena from the London office. 

There were a few stalls selling Blood Cancer UK merchandise and promoting events. 

Blood Cancer UK merchandise

There was also a stall for patient information which is very helpful for anyone going through treatment. The booklets helped me so much throughout treatment as there so many terms in blood cancer and it can get really confusing so if you’re reading this and have just started treatment please get it touch with Blood Cancer UK and grab yourself one. 

Impact Midlands

The talks started with a welcome from The Lord Mayor of Birmingham and why he chose Blood Cancer UK as his supporting charity. His daughters best friend was diagnosed with a blood cancer which was one of his reasons among others. Me and a few more of the ambassadors actually got to talk to him after the event and it was so nice to let him know our stories and have a picture taken.

Impact Midlands

We then had a talk from Alasdair Rankin who is the director of research at Blood Cancer UK and it was so interesting to hear what research they are currently funding. At any one time they have over £90 million invested in research, and they are currently funding over 1,000 researchers and clinicians across more than 220 active research projects.  

 Next, Louise Smith who is a blood cancer patient talked about her cancer experience. I actually know Louise quite well and she’s become such a good friend so I knew listening to her speech was going to be emotional. Her whole story was so inspirational. I’m sure most people in the room had tears in their eyes while listening to her story. 

After Louise, Prof. Paul Murray from the University of Birmingham gave a talk about what research they are currently doing with so many statistics but he put it in a way that everyone could understand (even me) and it all made complete sense. I wish I had taken a couple of pictures from the slideshow as it was so good. Birmingham University are currently doing so much amazing research which is helping to beat blood cancer sooner and I was seriously in awe of how much they are doing. 

Impact Midlands

The regional manger (Emma Jane Jones) from Blood Cancer UK Midlands then closed the event and we had lunch which was so so good and I couldn’t have been quicker to get in line as my stomach had been making dying whale sounds from about 11am.. 

The day was filled with so many amazing stories from people affected by blood cancer and everyone I spoke too actually said this year was better than the last which I definitely agreed with as this year just seemed to go so much smoother. I was so happy I could be there as I really enjoyed the day. It was so lovely to catch up with my Blood Cancer UK family and I can’t wait for the next event.

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Let’s talk about mental health in the cancer world

I thought I would share my experience with mental health in the cancer world. I never suffered with mental health issues, well that was before I was diagnosed with stage 2B Hodgkin’s Lymphoma then it all changed. The day I had been waiting for had arrived on the 30th June 2015, I had finished treatment and had been told I was finally in remission after nearly 2 years of difficult treatments but after only a few weeks I found things were changing from the way they had been during treatment.

The support I had been receiving was slowing down, the hospital appointments became less frequent and then I had a sudden feeling that I felt completely alone. I was honestly terrified of what would happen next.. Yes, I was done with all things cancer, the needles, the surgery, the sickness, everything but I didn’t feel like I had imagined I would feel.

I remember having a little cry because I was so scared of the unknown, its like you have to re-learn how to live the life that didn’t involve cancer and I honestly didn’t want to. I still wanted to be in the cancer world. The depression of missing your old cancer life and the anxiety of trying to piece it back together still haunts me. I obviously feel very lucky and happy that I am still alive today and that I got through the chemo and a stem cell transplant but life after cancer and trying to get back into the normal world post treatment seems impossible.   

Mental health

“Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time. It’s the fear of failure but on urge to be productive. It’s wanting friends but hate socialising. It’s wanting to be alone but not wanting to be lonely. It’s caring about everything then caring about nothing. It’s feeling everything at once then paralysingly numb.”

Dealing with anxiety and post traumatic stress is the hardest part although when I think of post traumatic stress disorder I think of soldiers, warriors, heroes.. I never think of myself. You constantly live in fear with whether the cancer will comeback, every little ache, symptom or the sounds and smells things that bring me back to that moment I was lying in a hospital bed having the poison that is chemo being pumped through my veins. Loud beeps, like phone alarms remind me of my chemo pump going off through the night and those thoughts make my heart beat faster.  Every single day I have memories that take me back to certain days of my cancer journey.

There has been so many days that I haven’t wanted to wake up and I’ve just wanted to stay in bed because I felt so alone, no-one could understand how I was feeling. I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and cry. The last couple of years, suicidal thoughts have come into my head which obviously scared the hell out of me. Would life be better if I wasn’t here? Then my mom wouldn’t have to worry about me like she does everyday. Thankfully these thoughts have become less and less as the days have gone on but I’m always scared they are going to creep back up on me.

I always loved going out to see friends and family but now its a completely different story, in the past year or so I have hardly been outside as just the thought of being with a crowd of people absolutely terrifies me and I get really panicky and start crying. I fight with some sort of anxiety every single day and I try and manage it but it’s always there bubbling up under the surface.

Mental health

The photo above was taken about a month ago on one of my worst days. I remember having hardly anything to eat, I just wanted to sleep and shut the world away. I had been crying most of the day until my mom brought Thumper upstairs which cheered me up a little. 

I think it’s a common misconception that once treatment is over everything is fine, you go back to work and back to a ‘normal’ life but that’s just not how it works for us cancer survivors. I think the hardest part post cancer is purely to survive trying to find ways to relate to people and be a part of regular conversations.

I can’t tell you how many times people have been talking to me and I will just zone out, I just won’t be interested in their conversation just because it’s not cancer related. They will be talking about something they did last weekend and I just want to shout back at them that my friend has just relapsed or I have got a check up in a few days and that I’m worrying about every single pain I’ve had for the past month so please stop talking about the nice meal you had. This may be really selfish of me but cancer is always in my head and it’s not easy to relate to people.

Even though I’m done with treatment it doesn’t mean its any easier for me, probably harder. Writing this post hasn’t been easy and so many times I have come to carry on with it and just broke down in tears because sometimes its just hard to think about & dealing with so many side effects cancer leaves you with does get me down but I will always get back up and fight because that’s what I do every day. I am happy, healthy and I’ve got so many supportive people in my life who I love and I will not let my mental health win.

Mental health has been in the public eye lately because of the Heads Together campaign and I love that more people are talking about it but so much more needs to be done to educate people. If you are struggling please remember you are NOT alone, please reach out and talk. The emotional and physiological side of blood cancer is so overlooked as is mental health in general and this really needs to change. 

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The reality with life after cancer

If you follow me on Instagram / Twitter or any social media you will know that I go on about life after cancer quite a lot and how hard it can be trying to adjust but no-one can prep you for life after cancer. Sometimes I think it’s harder than going through the actual treatment and I would never have thought I’d say that.

When your going through the treatment all you can think is I can’t wait until all this is over so I can get my life back, then once you’ve got the all clear your mind needs to catch up with everything you have just been through. 

Emotionally it is VERY tough and you have to take each day as it comes, there’s no right or wrong way to feel. Everyone’s experience of surviving cancer will be slightly different, it all depends on the treatment you’ve had. Some people may expect you to be positive all the time and not complain because you’ve made it through treatment, especially when other people may have not but ultimately you can’t always stay positive.

Life Cancer

When I got the news I was in remission on the 30th June last year I was SO happy and relived but after it had sunk in I felt anxious, nervous and alone.. I had been told the news I was waiting for but now what? When you’ve been consistently seen by a health professional basically every week and then to be told “see you in 3 months” it’s very daunting.

You will never get back to “normal” after being diagnosed with cancer, it is a life changing experience and it’s made me realise life is too short to worry about the little things. Even though I am cancer free, I still suffer with side effects from treatment and although with time I hear it does get better your still left with them for the rest of your life.. which is not great.

Before I was diagnosed I never used to get anxiety then it all changed, throughout treatment I was having horrible anxiety up to the point where I wasn’t sleeping, I just couldn’t relax. I felt like I was on edge all of the time. As well as the normal anxiety there was also scanxiety – the waiting for scan results. I remember being in hospital during my stem cell transplant and a couple of nights where I hardly slept I just kept pacing up and down my room, I couldn’t sit still, my heart was racing.. this was probably one of the scariest things for me to go through and I didn’t know how to stop it.

Thankfully since finishing treatment my anxiety has gotten a lot better but I still suffer with it everyday. Probably the worst thing for me to cope with is being told that my chance of having children is very unlikely about 1% exactly, which for someone my age is very upsetting to hear, every time I think about it I get tears in my eyes. It’s like I am stuck in the limbo of wether it’ll ever get better and happen and it sucks.. I could go on and on about this so I’m just going to stop now before I start crying.

“Those hard days will only make you STRONGER”

Cancer doesn’t just effect your body physically but it effects you emotionally and as family and friends will know that sometimes I may all of a sudden become angry or emotional. I try not to do too much as I know my body just can’t handle it anymore but then there does come times when I just crash and can sleep for 10 hours or more at night also I might have a nap during the day and at the age of 25 it’s very annoying as I should have so much energy and shouldn’t get tired so easily. I feel like a 60 year old not a 25 year old. 

When I do go out maybe for a shopping day with friends and say I’m out for 7 hours it will take me 2/3 days to get over that one day.. It get’s VERY frustrating. My concentration level is so bad, I find it so hard to concentrate and I’m always asking people the same question over and over.. I have to write every little thing down or else I’ll forget, I usually blame everything on chemo brain. I have to admit cancer does get me down more than it should but I’ve found that those hard days will only make you stronger. You will have bad days even bad weeks and even though I still suffer with a lot, I always try to remain as positive as I can.

After battling Lymphoma twice including a stem cell transplant I am more likely to develop Leukaemia later in life as well as other cancer’s. The uncertainty of the cancer coming back again or getting diagnosed with a different kind of cancer scares the hell out of me but I know I can’t live my life in fear. Even if I am unlucky to get diagnosed with another cancer I will never give up fighting, cancer will never win.

Even if you want to forget about it for a while it’s so hard as cancer is everywhere. Most people have been touched by it or it’s on television, you might see people collecting money for cancer charities at shopping centre’s, or even people generally talking while you shop. Even if you want to get away from cancer, you can’t it’s always there.

I know I’ll be writing much more about life after cancer, every emotion and problem that comes with it but I’ll stop for now as you might be getting bored of me ranting but if you are struggling here’s a little bit of advice for life after cancer:

▪️Don’t be too hard on yourself, remember you have been through a lot! Take some time out of everyday even if it’s just 5 minutes.

▪️Give yourself and the people closest to you time to get used to things.

▪️Be honest about how you feel, let people know you still have a lot to deal with and that you’re still going to feel tired, weak and scared.

▪️Connect with other survivors! They will know how your feeling. There is always someone to talk to. PLEASE reach out if your struggling, there are always people out there who understand.

▪️Maybe counselling? I know talking to a stranger is a scary thought but if your finding it hard it might help. Your doctor should be able to refer you.

▪️Write a journal or even start a blog!

▪️Try some exercise. Join a gym or just doing something little each day. I have actually just downloaded an app called “Seven” which on the days where I don’t go to the gym I can just do a 7 minute exercise routine. It’s very easy and I would definitely recommend it! You can download it from the app store.

“In battling cancer we engage in treatments that are harmful and toxic but ultimately lifesaving. Only after the war do we realise the high toll it took on our bodies.”

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