I don’t really know where I’ll be going with this post, it’ll probably just be a little ramble of my life recently and some thoughts I’ve been having so we’ll go with it. As I said in my first post of 2019 I wanted some posts to be like a diary entry so I suppose this is one of those sort of posts.
It’s Sunday afternoon and I’ve been procrastinating as usual for the last few hours but I’ve just been totally exhausted. I haven’t wanted to move or do anything. I don’t know if that’s from my 2 mile run I did this morning which went so bad, literally couldn’t have gone worse with my first 10k of the year coming up in a few weeks. I wanted to get a little training run in by myself and not even half a mile in my body decided to give me the most horrible stitch, I stopped straight away which has never happened before, then I just started going dizzy. I had planned to do further than 2 miles but I had to listen to my body so decided to head back after a while. I don’t know if I’m pushing my body too much but we’ll see as time goes on..
Anyway, what was I saying about being just exhausted from my run or just generally.. SO, I’ve been super busy for a good couple of months now and haven’t had time for self care which I know is important and it’s something I need to keep in mind and remind myself to find some time for because last Thursday I had my first anxiety attack, which came on really suddenly. I was fast asleep then woke up at 1am not knowing where I was and my heart beating super fast. I didn’t know it was an anxiety attack at first but after googling I came to the realisation it was. It really shook me up and I didn’t get much sleep after it and my mental health really suffered for it. I don’t know what brought it on, I’m thinking stress as I have had a lot on recently but I just know I don’t want it happening again so I’m making sure I make time for me.
You know that phase ‘life is too short’ which I know is very stereotypical but after being diagnosed with cancer it’s something which I take seriously and for the past few weeks I’ve been really thinking about it and I’m getting myself worked up about why I’m not where I want to be right now in life but I have to keep reminding myself how far I have actually come in the space of just a few years. I think there’s just so much stuff I want to do and because I lost a couple of years I’m pushing myself to do them in such a short space of time.
I was having a conversation with a couple of friends the other day just generally chatting about kids and what we’d call our first baby etc and then it hit me, I think I’ve finally come to the realisation that I might not be able to carry my own child and every time I think about it I just want to cry my eyes out. The amount of friends on Facebook who are having babies right now is killing me. I’m honestly at the point of unfriending them all because I just can’t cope. I know one way or another I’ll have my own but the thought of not being able to carry a baby is something that puts me down every single day of my life and my mental health really suffers for it. SO. Thanks cancer..
Wow. 665 words down.. I know this has been a little ramble post but I just wanted to share some thoughts on my little place on the internet, because sometimes you never know it may help someone in the same position.
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I’m sorry for what you’re going through. I can’t imagine. Blogging can be a good outlet sometimes
Starting my blog was definitely one of the best decisions, it’s helped a lot. Thank you x
This is so touching. I actually love to read diary-esque posts like this. I’m so sorry that you think you may not be able to conceive due to your cancer. While I’ve never had cancer, I do have a skin condition that doctors constantly told me would cause me not to be able to get pregnant, and even if I did, the chance that they’d suffer the same thing I had was greater than 70%.
As you can imagine, that messed me up mentally. I wanted kids so bad, but I often wondered how selfish I’d be bringing kids into this world (that is, if I was able to even get pregnant in the first place) when I knew they’d suffer a horrible skin condition/disability/or worse. As I battled with the thought and cried for years about it, I had to deal with everyone around me having families too.
So I can completely relate to what you’re feeling, but all I can say is have faith. You seem to be such a strong young woman, and no doubt, your resilience, strength, and love will continue to carry you forward and be stronger than whatever it is you’re facing. I truly hope you get whatever is in your heart! <3 Thanks for much for sharing something so personal about yourself.
This is the nicest comment I have ever gotten and I can’t thank you enough 💕 It really did brighten one of my worst days. Oh I am so sorry, that’s the worst news to receive. I can’t image having that decision to make so you are SO strong for having that on your shoulders. I’m not sure I’d be strong enough to make that decision. I suppose if it’s supposed to happen it will and that’s what keeps me going but mentally it can really mess you up can’t it? Thank you so much & I’m sending you so much love x
This is so raw…I’m glad you’re listening to your body, it knows best what you need and we are so quick to treat it wrong due to what we think is right. Maybe avoiding Facebook for a while would be a good thing to do – coming off social media a little will only do good! Keep looking after yourself lovely x
I take little social media breaks often and they really do help, It’s amazing what a few days away can do! Thank you so much, lovely 💕
Oh no, so sorry to hear you that had a panic attack the other night Samantha, they are such scary things. Hugs. I can totally relate to the Facebook thing too, everywhere you look there are engagements and children! Sometimes I avoid Facebook for a while if it is starting to not make me feel good. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it can be so helpful to blog and express how you are feeling <3 xx
Bexa | http://www.hellobexa.com
Thanks Bexa 💕 It was super scary and it really was the worst time to have one as it’s the middle of the night and no-ones awake. I definitely think a social media break is a good thing! xx