I’ve had this post in my drafts for months with only the title written. I couldn’t bring myself to write about those few weeks during lockdown three which really broke me. Recently, as you may have seen I’ve not posted since October, I don’t really have a reason to why, I just didn’t feel like writing and that’s okay but as the weeks went by I thought more and more about shutting down my blog but I know I’d miss it if I didn’t have it. It’s an outlet that I’ve needed in the past and still do to this day which brings me back to this post. If I didn’t have an outlet for my thoughts where would I put them? especially now.
I think my thoughts ran away with me for a while and I didn’t know how to react or think. During lockdown three I struggled. I struggled way more than I thought I would. It was nothing like the other two or how many have we had now?. My mental heath went on a downward spiral for weeks on end. I was lonely, I sat in my room for hours on end in silence not knowing when those intrusive thoughts were going to stop.
One day it just started. I can’t remember the exact day but after being furloughed from my job for my own health which I was happy to make the decision about, the days started to go by slowly and I was keeping myself busy by going for runs and just generally being productive whilst enjoying my time at home keeping myself safe until one day I woke up crying, everything changed in my mind I woke up crying and went to bed crying for a week or maybe two straight. I couldn’t concentrate on one thing, there was nothing I wanted more than to be left alone.
I only wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to do anything at all. Every single day I had to deal with thoughts of if I still wanted to be here. Did anyone actually still want me here? I’d wake up during the night and wonder if I drove to somewhere quiet and jumped off a bridge would anyone care. I had those thoughts daily and couldn’t get out of that headspace. I was scared those thoughts were going to destroy me. Having gone through cancer I know how lonely you can get and that support goes away eventually but I felt like I had no one and no where to turn although I know now that was the complete opposite.
I don’t know how but after a while those thoughts got less and less and I was trying so hard to get myself out of the slump I had put myself into. I was blaming myself for everything. Everyday was a struggle of getting out of bed and getting dressed, but that was my goal everyday. Talking is one thing that honestly helped me and if it wasn’t for my persistent but patient mom i can’t say I would be here writing this. I remember I felt strong enough one day to take myself out for a walk but it wasn’t easy, I must have changed my mind nearly 10 times before walking out the front door but I was so proud of myself and then I found more energy and strength to go on more regular walks alone which I can’t tell you how much it helped. It helped get me out of the house and get the fresh air I was in desperate need of.
The feelings were real and still are but everything I went through and are still going through is shaping me up to be a better and stronger person even though i’m no where near yet, I just have to be patient. I’m by no means ‘okay’.. whatever that means anymore but I hope to be soon.
Please remember, you are never alone and recovery isn’t easy.
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