I wasn’t planning on writing or publishing a post today but as soon as I woke up I felt like I just needed to write something.
Today marks 6 years since my stem cell transplant. My immune system is officially 6 YEARS OLD. Up until a couple of days ago I hadn’t realised the date until I looked on my calendar and saw ‘6th re-birthday’ written down on the 2nd April. I hadn’t even thought of the significance of the date up until then, where as years ago I would have been counting down the days to it knowing what a huge day it was for me. It’s strange the farther away you get from treatment the less important the dates seem but honestly shouldn’t it be the opposite? I mean as the years go by the the less chance you have of relapsing. I guess I’m still trying to figure it out and I’m still very much learning how to cope even after all these years. I thought it would get easier which it does but the dates and anniversaries definitely bring back all the emotions.
Waking up this morning knowing that this time 6 years ago I was lying in a hospital bed feeling as weak as ever after the high dose chemo and wondering if the transplant would work and how the next few weeks would feel, I didn’t know what was in front of me, to be honest I don’t think I would have liked to have known but I remember waking up on that day, having my morning tablets and a quick wash and then sitting in my chair next to my bed while taking a panoramic photo of my room and thinking no matter how bad I was going to feel, I was going to beat it and I was going to come out the other side cancer free and I did and even though I did have some shaky moments where I just didn’t know if my body could handle it and I did have my down days but I just knew I wasn’t going to give up without giving it everything.
Going through something like a stem cell transplant really does give you a mental strength you can’t really explain to others from outside the cancer community. I think sometimes your mental strength really does outweigh your physical at the most important times. I honestly can’t believe it’s been 6 years. 6 years since my own little stem cells saved my life and I’m just so grateful the transplant worked.
As the years go by and the check-up’s become less often I always worry, it’s normal but for me now I’m not thinking about wether I’m going to relapse, I’m over that period. I’m more mad at how the chemo and transplant has left my body with the side effects it has and me having to deal with them daily, it’s something I haven’t learned to accept yet and that may not be healthy at all but I think it’s just going to take time. I don’t know when that will happen, probably not for a while yet but it’ll come.
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